The Night You Left Read online

  ‘Well, I’m sorry. I’m still getting used to this. They were bound to talk to you; they’ll be talking to all my friends, I expect.’

  I stand between him and the kitchen door and don’t invite him further into the house. The light is dim, and I hope he can’t tell how much I’m shaking.

  He sighs. ‘Where is everyone?’

  ‘Lottie’s at Hannah’s. Tim and Cora have gone home. I think they need time alone to process this as well.’

  He makes a face. ‘Really? For good, I hope.’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ His face blurs and I turn away, fighting a wave of emotion.

  ‘Grace.’ His voice is soft. ‘It’s going to be OK.’

  ‘What am I going to tell Lottie?’ I burst out. ‘If his body had been found, it would be easier. At least she could say goodbye. But this way she’s always going to hope. I’m always going to hope.’

  ‘They still might find him. It’s early days. But we need to tell her the truth, because she’ll read about it. We can’t stop that happening. We’ll tell her together.’

  I push my fingers through my hair and swear under my breath. ‘I think I’m going mad.’

  ‘It’s natural to feel that way. This would be a difficult and confusing time for anyone, let alone someone …’

  He stops, but I’m easily able to fill the gap. ‘Someone like me.’

  ‘You’ve come a long way from that girl,’ he says. ‘A very long way. Look at you. Look at what you’ve achieved, what you have.’

  He’s right. I have solid walls around me and a roof over my head. I have a community and friends who think I’m ordinary; just another mum like them. But all this stuff, all these material belongings, they’ll vanish along with Nick. Because without him, I am nothing. I fold my arms and take a deep breath.

  ‘Stuff’s going to come out about me, Douglas. About us. Things I really don’t want people to know. I don’t think I’ll be able to cope if the papers get hold of my history.’

  He smiles down at me and strokes my hair. ‘You’re not going to be held accountable for something you did in your teens.’

  ‘Of course I am. That’s the way it works. Everyone loves a fall from grace.’ I smile. ‘No pun intended. What I did to you …’

  ‘I forgave you a long time ago.’

  ‘Forgiven but not forgotten,’ I retort.

  ‘Absolutely that.’

  He untucks his shirt, and I reach to touch the scar, an inch below his ribcage. I run my fingers gently over its puckered surface. The things we do when we’re young and desperate. He holds my hand against it, then lets it go. I dry my tears and pull myself up with the banister.

  ‘You’ll be a fifteen-minute wonder, that’s all,’ he says. ‘You know what you have to do when the big wave comes at you.’

  ‘Hold my breath and dive under it.’

  ‘That’s right. Now, why don’t you go and get Lottie. The sooner we tell her, the better.’ He takes my jacket from its hook and holds it out for me, and I slip my arms into the sleeves, as obedient as a child.

  In the hall I take a deep breath then pull open the door and dive out into the fray. I pretend they aren’t there, that their voices are geese clucking, the flashes are lightning. My heart is pounding, my ears ringing with the sound of my own name, with Nick’s name. With Izzy’s.

  We gather round the kitchen table – father, mother, daughter – and I tell her what’s happened. There is no way of softening the blow. I watch Lottie’s face as it pales, as her eyes redden and her chin trembles. She gets up and buries herself in Douglas’s arms. I feel a flash of jealousy, so inappropriate that it shocks me.

  ‘It’ll be all right, baby,’ Douglas says. ‘Everything will be all right.’

  He glances at me over her shoulder, his eyes warm. I gaze back, with a dawning sense of shame. I’m letting him in, letting him get under my skin again; and that’s what he wants. This situation suits him down to the ground. Anna warned me about this, about the temptation of old loves when you’re feeling vulnerable. I insisted she was wrong, but she was right. Douglas knows me, and he’s here, flesh and blood, whereas Nick has gone and may very well be dead. I need to be on my guard.

  ‘We’ll be fine now, Douglas,’ I say, glancing pointedly at the door.

  He hesitates, but I stand up and wait until he has no choice but to take the hint.

  I fetch his jacket from where he hung it over the banister and hand it to him without saying a word. Lottie and I accompany him to the door. He dips his head to kiss my cheek, but I twist out of reach, leaving him floundering. As if to make up for my coldness, Lottie hugs him hard.

  ‘See you Friday, kiddo,’ he says.

  He opens the door, hesitating in front of the cameras, before striding down the steps and elbowing his way through the press. He’s taller than any of them. When I close the door the house releases its breath. It’s been tough since Nick went missing, but I have a feeling that my problems are about to get worse.

  GRACE

  Friday, 4 May 2018

  TIM POURS ME A GLASS OF WINE. I TAKE IT OVER TO the table. Cora darts him a look and purses her mouth. They’ve been back since two o’clock this afternoon. He takes a seat and folds his hands in front of him. The last three days have passed by in a state of suspended numbness, but now we are gathered at my kitchen table to talk about The Situation, while Lottie is out of the way with her father.

  ‘Nick’s body may be found, but equally it may not,’ Tim says.

  I keep my hands folded over my stomach as I listen, staring at the blank sheet of paper in front of me. Tim put it there, in case I want to make notes.

  ‘If that proves to be the case,’ he continues, ‘we’ll have to accept that we’ll be in legal limbo at least until the Guardianship Act becomes law.’

  I’ve looked into this. The Guardianship Law allows relatives to look after the affairs of loved ones with disabilities, but the new Act will cover missing persons as well. At the moment families have to wait seven years; a horrible situation, and one that I’m beginning to feel the effects of already. I can’t talk to Nick’s bank, I can’t close down standing orders; even the utility bills are in his name. Nick set them up when he bought the house; I didn’t think to suggest they were put in both our names. I can see how much danger Lottie and I are in; how much we could lose.

  Cora is speaking now. ‘But the Act has passed three readings, so it’s more than likely it’ll go through, and when that happens, Grace …’ She pauses, then says, ‘Tim and I will be applying for guardianship of Nick’s estate.’

  I’m confused at first, then the penny drops. This is exactly what Douglas warned me about. ‘You are joking?’

  ‘Certainly not. This is extremely serious. As Nick hasn’t made a will, there’s going to be a complicated process which I hardly think you have the education to follow.’

  ‘Douglas will help me.’

  ‘Give me strength.’

  ‘Cora,’ Tim says, quelling her.

  She folds her arms and sits back. ‘You forget; we are his next of kin.’

  ‘I haven’t forgotten that. You won’t let me.’

  Tim cuts in. ‘Cora and I appreciate that Nick wouldn’t have wanted to leave you and Lottie high and dry …’

  ‘High and dry?’ I echo. ‘I can’t afford to walk away from this. How are we expected to live?’

  Cora’s gaze moves swiftly over my face. ‘You have a job.’

  ‘What’s that got to do with anything? I don’t make nearly enough money to cover our outgoings.’

  ‘That’s my point. None of us do, so the sooner we can work something out the better.’

  ‘Yes, but—’

  ‘Just to clarify one or two things,’ Cora says. ‘Could we—’

  ‘Remember what we talked about, darling.’

  I look from one to the other. ‘What did we talk about?’

  Cora puts her hand on Tim’s arm, as if to silence him. ‘We need to make sure everyone’s o
n the same page.’

  ‘And what page would that be?’

  ‘Perhaps later,’ Tim says. His protest is feeble, and Cora loses patience.

  ‘It’s best to be prepared. We know you wouldn’t want to take anything that isn’t rightfully yours, so I was going to suggest that you have a look round the house and place Post-it notes on the items that you paid for.’

  I look at Tim, but he averts his gaze. The silence is treacly.

  ‘We are prepared to be reasonable when it comes to your settlement,’ Cora goes on. ‘Which you have no legal right to demand, of course. When this house is sold, we’ll use part of the proceeds to set up a trust that will pay for Lottie’s university education. I think that’s very generous, considering she isn’t a blood relation.’

  My jaw has dropped so far, it’s practically scraping the floor.

  ‘We’re prepared to give you and Lottie one month’s notice, but after that I’m afraid you’ll have to make other arrangements.’

  ‘This is my house.’

  ‘No, it isn’t. The deeds are in Nick’s name. You weren’t married. Everything that belonged to him, will belong to us. I’m sure there are one or two articles of furniture we can let you have, to help you set up, but otherwise, I’m afraid, this house and its contents are ours. I refuse to believe my son saw you as a permanent fixture in his life. He expected it to end at some point and, when it did, he would have fallen in love with …’ She pauses meaningfully. ‘With a more suitable girl and married her. He would have given us grandchildren.’

  We sit in silence. Tim fiddles with his phone. Cora looks down at her clasped hands. My mouth is dry.

  I drink some water, then say quietly, ‘Nick loved both of us very much. We were his family. More than you’ve ever been.’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ Her voice is full of bile.

  ‘Maybe we should leave it here,’ Tim says. ‘Before someone says something they regret. We’ll give you a chance to get your head round what we’ve said. It’s a lot to take in.’

  ‘You take over my home, with no regard to my feelings, and stake your claim at the first possible moment. For God’s sake, there’s no real proof your son is dead. You are unbelievable.’

  ‘Nick is dead,’ Cora says, folding her arms. ‘That will be proved sooner or later. I’ve accepted it and you need to accept it as well, for your own sake and your daughter’s.’

  ‘You can’t do this.’

  ‘Yes, we can. And yes, we will. I’ve never liked you, Grace.’

  ‘You could have fooled me.’

  She tuts. ‘Nick was such a happy little boy and he would have been a happy man if he hadn’t met you.’

  ‘He was happy,’ I say through gritted teeth. ‘We loved each other.’

  ‘So why, when Douglas Parr clicks his fingers, do you come running? Nick hated that man.’

  The word hate jolts me. Nick wasn’t Douglas’s biggest fan, but he respected what he meant to Lottie. ‘They were fine. Don’t exaggerate.’

  ‘I’m only repeating what he said to me.’

  ‘I don’t believe you.’

  ‘Be that as it may. The fact remains that you are now here on sufferance. You’d better start looking for something more modest. I hear there are some perfectly decent ex-council properties in the same catchment as Lottie’s school, so at least she can keep up her friendships.’

  I say, very slowly, ‘This is my home, my house. The things in it, Nick and I chose together, bought together.’

  She shrugs. ‘That won’t make any difference, I’m afraid. If he had loved you that much, he would have married you.’

  ‘We were engaged. We were committed to each other.’

  She laughs. ‘You’re not wearing an engagement ring.’

  ‘That’s because he had only just asked me.’

  She raises her eyebrows slowly. ‘Grace. He didn’t. You’re clutching at straws, and it’s pathetic. Now, I don’t know where you came from, but quite frankly, you’re not one of us. You’re still young, and you’re an attractive woman; I’m sure you’ll find another wealthy man to leech off.’

  ‘How dare you? I have never leeched off anyone in my life. And I don’t have to go anywhere.’

  Cora smirks. ‘Neither do we. We’re putting our house on the market and moving in here permanently. Now, I have things to do, so if you wouldn’t mind …’

  ‘I do mind, actually. You don’t get to dismiss me, Cora. This conversation isn’t over.’

  She looks down her nose. ‘I’m afraid it is. Without my son you are nothing.’

  I race upstairs to the spare bedroom where I begin tearing clothes off hangers and throwing them into their suitcases. Cora pounds up after me, bursts in and pulls one of Tim’s sweaters out of my hands.

  ‘Get out of here! Don’t touch our things, you little bitch.’ She starts clawing at me, grabbing at my hands, her manicured fingernails gouging at my wrist. It hurts so much that I elbow her hard. She falls against a chair, rights herself and comes for me. I duck out of her way, pull open the chest of drawers and scoop armfuls of underwear on to the bed. Bras and knickers, tights, Tim’s socks and boxers. Cora keeps shoving them back in, but I pick up a bundle of clothes, take them out of the room and throw them over the stairs. Some of them get caught on the banisters on their way down, giving the stairwell a chaotically festive look.

  Cora comes storming out of the bedroom, her hand raised. I step to one side to avoid a slap and she trips over Toffee, who has sprung forward to protect me. Tim catches her, and they struggle, almost falling downstairs. Cora, normally so coolly elegant, lands heavily on her husband in an ungainly sprawl.

  I come to my senses. Horrified, I try to help her up, but she shoves my hand away.

  ‘That’s assault. I’ll be reporting you to the police.’

  ‘But I didn’t,’ I splutter. Then I look at the three of us and feel sick. I shouldn’t have lost my temper. The last time I lost control this badly was with Douglas. He still bears the scar to prove it, and I have a criminal record. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’

  Tim rubs the back of his head. ‘Oh Lord,’ he says. ‘That was a bit … uh … unexpected.’

  ‘I’m not sure I can stand,’ Cora says.

  I wince. ‘Shall I call an ambulance?’

  ‘No. Just get out of my sight.’

  I hesitate, thrown by the vitriol in her voice. ‘I’ll get some ice.’

  I run downstairs and into the kitchen. Cora’s mobile starts ringing. Ignoring it, I get a packet of frozen peas out of the freezer and wrap it in a clean dishcloth. Then I pick up the phone and go back up.

  ‘Your phone rang,’ I say, handing it to her. I kneel down next to Tim and press the improvised ice pack against his bump.

  Cora taps her phone, checks the display. ‘It’s my mother’s nursing home.’ She swipes the screen, puts it to her ear and stands up, surprisingly lithe considering her injuries. We listen to her side of the call. It’s obvious things aren’t good.

  ‘Something up?’ Tim grunts, when she finishes.

  ‘Mum’s worse. The manager thinks it’s pneumonia, but whatever it is, they don’t think she’ll last. I’ll have to go tonight.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I say.

  She doesn’t reply.

  Once Cora has left, the house feels different; not better or worse, but weirdly expectant, as if it’s holding its breath, as if it knows something will happen. I’m on my own with Tim and despite his easy charm, I’m on high alert. I like him; I’ve always felt that he’s on my side, but now I’m not so sure. Nick made excuses for his father, but the very fact that he did told its own story. Tim is a coward; the kind of man who says one thing to one person, the opposite to another, because he’s scared of not being liked. What would he do to prevent anyone finding out how morally bankrupt he really is?

  I wonder if, in actual fact, he hates me, wants me out of his life as much as his wife does; and the sooner the better.
I’ve rocked the boat.

  ‘We’re not going anywhere, are we, darling?’ I whisper to Toffee, who pricks his ears, looks up at me from under his old man’s eyebrows, then sighs and sinks back into his dreams.

  PART 3

  ANNA

  March 2017 One Year Earlier

  IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, ANNA CONTACTED ANGUS Moody and met him for lunch. She chose Angus because once upon a time the Moodys might as well have been family. She and her siblings had treated him and Lorna like uncle and aunt, Pansy and Freya like cousins. She had thought about calling Lorna, but she had been her mother’s great friend and ally. She would be judgemental in a way that Angus wouldn’t.

  Time had been kind to her parents’ old friend: his hair was silver grey, his figure trim, his posture still upright; a testament to his early years in the army. He took her to an expensive restaurant and in the spotlight of his gaze, the words spilled out. They talked for over an hour, mainly about her, but also about Izzy and the effect her death had on them all. If asked, she wouldn’t have been able to say what she had been eating or which wine he had ordered. It was so all-absorbing, so intense. She told him about Ben’s suicide, and about Kai. And later, when her pudding had been set down in front of her, he said, quite casually, ‘Of course, Nick’s working for me these days.’

  Her breath caught. ‘I didn’t know that. That was good of you.’

  ‘I didn’t do it out of the kindness of my heart. I did it because he merits it. He’s turned into an exceptionally fine young man.’

  She felt unaccountably irritated. ‘Maybe you’ll give Kai a job too one day.’

  He nodded. ‘Of course. If he shows an aptitude for business. I’ll be happy to talk to him.’

  She smiled. ‘I’ll send him over in five years’ time, shall I? So, how is Nick these days?’ She couldn’t help dripping vinegar into the way she said his name.

  His eyes narrowed. ‘Jealous?’

  ‘No.’

  He continued looking at her until she blushed. ‘Yes, OK. A little.’